Extracts From Mbulelo Mayikana’s books
Men Development
“He said, “My brother, there are things, thoughts and feelings that I will never share with my
wife because they can cause too much trouble for me. These relate to my desires to grow and
evolve as a person, my dreams, likes and dislikes and things that make me happy and those
that do not make me happy in marriage and life in general. I would rather go to the grave with
them than talk to her about them. I just want to have peace and so, I say and do nothing that
is likely to cause me trouble…even if it means not acting my true self in the relationship”. My
crude response to him was, “So you are living a lie?” His response was: “You are possibly 80%
correct and I would rather have that, than not to have peace”.
“A girl child is born equivalent to somebody that has status in society in relation to her identity. She is a woman. Boy children are born with a few reserves in the bank. A girl child goes out there to the world with leverage that is God given. She will always be a woman that will make men want her without her having to prove that she is a woman.
A boy does not have that. If you are a boy, you have to earn your leverage to be finally called a man. A boy is born, but does not graduate to become a man or to manhood until he earns it. So, that’s the difference. At 18 years old, a girl is fully grown, shaped like a Coca-Cola bottle, attractive as they come. Every man (hopefully age appropriate) that is around notices her, wants her and is willing to make a fool of himself in the process. She is there and has arrived. She is ready to mingle in the dating game. That’s nature. Men respond to two things, fertility and youthfulness and she has all that.
Generally speaking, a woman is most attractive between the ages of 18 and 30. That period is the ultimate. I know there are people that would want to argue differently, but I am speaking in general terms. The reality is that men seldom look at their contemporaries for potential partnership. They do not even turn their heads when their contemporaries pass by. Put a woman (not a child) that is 10 years younger and you see male heads turning and looking at her. This proves that women are born. They do not have to do anything to attract men; they just need to wash and pass by and men will notice them.
As mentioned earlier, boys have to earn the privilege of being called men. They often face the challenge that the girls that they want, do not want them. Unfortunately, young/adolescent boys are not schooled on female hypergamy and they know no better. The young girls want boys that are older than them, because they are far ahead in their journey of achieving manhood. Women are attracted to manhood.
As an 18-year-old boy you have nothing to impress a young lady with, absolutely nothing. Maybe if you are a pretty boy or maybe a soccer or rugby player in school, at least you have something. If you are a nerd, you get nothing from girls. Female hypergamy is very confusing for boys. Boys do not understand why girls are attracted to boys that are older or are sports stars, but are not smart in class nor handsome.
So, boys must work at being regarded as men. There are boys that I went to school with that are now businesspeople. These guys were almost under the radar when we were at school. Now with a little bit of money and a little bit of this, they are confident, they walk and behave like alpha males.
To be recognised as a man according to the standards of female hypergamy, you must have the ability to provide, to protect and to lead. You know instinctively when you are able to do that. Without that, you are afraid to even talk freely to other men. This is something that has been happening since our caveman days. You had to go out there and earn the right to be called a man”.
Women Development
“I have often wondered as to whether it is fair to consider love relationships as being transactional, just like business relationships. The nature of business relationships is that they are transactional. Parties in such a relationship derive satisfaction based on the perceived value that each party brings to such a relationship. Parties are likely to stay longer in such relationships as long as they continue to see benefits and derive value from these relationships.
Parties in a love relationship also stay in relationships, whether consciously or not, based on the perceived value that each partner experiences from the relationship. Such value is personalised and weighed in terms of each person’s needs.
In business relationships, parties part ways when they are no longer obtaining what they wanted from the relationship. The same thing occurs with parties in love relationships. If there are similarities between what happens in business relationships and love relationships, why do we then resist looking at love relationships as being based on similar principles as business relationships?
Some of the reasons include, but are not limited to the fact that business relationships are viewed as more impersonal as compared to love relationships. The reality, however, is that in both types of relationships parties have to derive some value in order for them to invest.
The value from the relationship has to be identified and expressed for both parties to know what is expected of them. In a business relationship, the desired value is formalised in a contract. The same happens in love relationships when couples formalise their relationship through a marriage contract.
There is, however, a difference in the expression of expected or perceived value that a person expects from a business relationship and from a love relationship. In business relationships, parties to such relationships ensure that the desired value is clearly expressed in the contract that governs the relationship.
Parties, or couples, in love relationships usually do not clarify their expectations and reasons for wanting to be in the relationship. The tragedy is that we do not consciously ask ourselves what and how we benefit from relationships with the people we are with. We enter into these relationships without clearly articulating our reasons and what we expect from the people who we are choosing to invest our lives in. We then wonder why they are not giving us the value that we expect from the relationship. We even go as far as to try and make them feel guilty for not fulfilling our expectations (unexpressed) in the relationship.
We should take time to express our expectations consciously and clearly, and articulate what we want and the reasons for why we are getting into a particular relationship. We do that when we enter into business relationships to ensure that the terms and our expectations are clear.
By expressing ourselves, we ensure that our expectations are known and understood. This also allows the other person to decide if he or she agrees, wants to fulfill the desired expectations and to provide the value that we want from the relationship”.
Often also try to limit a partner’s freedom, dismiss their ideas or thoughts as not making sense, devoid of intelligence, silly or invalid. Crying is usually also another form of a controlling behaviour when it’s used to intentionally manipulate the outcome a bullying partner wants in a relationship. It is one of the self- sabotaging behaviours that relationship bullies resort to when they are desperate. Controlling and manipulation also involves blaming the other party for everything (even though it might not be their fault). Methods like being sarcastic, embarrassing to belittle, or making the other party feel inferior are some of the things that some relationship bullies resort to. They use emotional bullying by having unreasonable expectations, using verbal attacks, and making their partners feel bad.
Manipulation by relationship bullies sometimes worsens to overlooking or rejecting their partners (refusing affection or putting down their suggestions and ideas), blackmailing (emotional blackmailing) them to get what they want including threats of divorce, moving out or even suicide. Withholding financial support where it is needed and the bully is capable of providing same but chooses not to do so, is also another form of a controlling behaviour that relationship bullies use to manipulate their victims”.
“People in relationships evolve. When I talk about evolving, I am referring to what a partner in a relationship can end up saying, for example, “You have changed from the person I fell in love with” or “You have changed from the person I married”.
The reality is that, as human beings we are continually on a journey of self-discovery. What I know about myself now, might be different to how I saw myself ten or fifteen years ago. The unfortunate part in love relationships is that we fall in love with what we see at the me. We meet our potential partners and do not know how they will evolve or change, or mature over me. No one can predict how a person will evolve. We may find ourselves changing our minds on things and situations not because we do not have the proverbial “backbone”, but because we evolve.
Evolvement can take many forms. For example:
- I may no longer like or be interested in something that I used to like or something that as a couple we both used to like;
- I may change my mind about something I used to have strong views on;
- I may change my dress sense and possibly my general aesthetic looks; and
- I may change my career or my stance on certain things or taken up new hobbies, etc. These examples might, in some instances, clash with the picture of the person your partner fell in love with and possibly even married. Evolvement is something that is natural and it does not mean that a person was deceitful and hiding who he or she truly was.
Evolvement becomes a challenge in a relationship when it has occurred to such an extent that:
- Your partner does not like or is not happy with the person you have become (this is not what he or she bought into);
- Your partner has been left behind in your evolvement, i.e; the rate or pace of your evolvement and personal growth has been such that he/she has been le behind. It can cause anxiety, depression and even resentment on the part of the partner who is le behind; and
- Your partner is no longer compatible with the person that you have evolved into.
This is the reality of love relationships and it is something that can be addressed. Any attempt to suppress evolvement results in unhappiness, including the demise of the love relationship. We need to realise that people cannot and should not be prisoners of their past decisions.
The key to dealing with evolvement is not to be too comfortable or complacent in a love relationship:
- Be observant and continually engage in conversations (not arguments) in a non-judgmental manner with your partner. This will help you understand your partner and he or she might be more willing to be understanding and accommodating of your concerns and fears. You might even end up reaching compromises that suit both of you.
- The best answer to dealing with evolvement is not to be left behind. That unfortunately will happen when you are complacent and you are not having in-depth conversations with your partner.
The opposite of evolvement is stagnant idealism, which suffocates people in love relationships. Stagnant idealism happens when one partner insists on having the “past ingredients” that he/she premised the love relationship on. Unfortunately, such premised views are held even in the presence of evidence that the world and the environment in which the relationship is functioning, has changed.
There are people in love relationships who refuse to change from the ideas about love relationships that they might have held for many years. In most instances, these people refuse to believe anything else that is not supported by their ideals, even in the face of evidence that the world has moved on and they have been left behind. These are people in relationships who are “sleeping through the revolution”. Their inability to be realistic and pragmatic can cause serious strain and resentment and even bring demise to the relationship.
High levels of incompatibility with your partner can result in the demise of a love relationship”.
“Women and men are inherently different. Men and women operate best under different roles in their relationships. I am certain that this statement alone is enough to be offensive in a modern/contemporary setting and discussion.
In a dance, you can’t have two leaders. It is very difficult to sustain long-term movement together if two people are constantly trying to take leading steps. You will inevitably step all over each other and won’t move cohesively. This does not mean that both people can’t lead in different areas or at different times. The reality is that a man and a woman in a relationship may be better at different things in different settings. She may be better at managing money, and he might be better at earning it. Or vice versa. In this instance, I don’t think the idea of submission becomes a problem. However, in some cases, two equally strong points of view may be put forward, and in such cases, someone has to make the final call.
Where a lot of relationships go wrong is when there is a propensity to always criticize, undermine, or doubt the involvement of the man in the relationship. Where his opinions and views and decisions are belittled or looked over, and he is not allowed to be the man that a lot of women want to follow. Where he also needs his woman’s “permission” to make the right decisions.
There is something innate in a positive masculine man that calls him towards leadership. Positive masculine men are wired for it. They have perspectives and attitudes that are valuable to their relationships. They also thrive when they are given the title of “man of the house” without them becoming oppressive and controlling to their female partners. Unfortunately, this may not be the case with some contemporary men that have not had proper guidance on how to be positive masculine men because of a negative or unbalanced upbringing.
To deny that there are significant and consequential differences in male and female is to deny the basic nature of humanity and how we fashion our common life together. Unfortunately, “male bashing” in our contemporary culture makes it too easy to forget about the importance of positive masculine leadership altogether. We can’t swing so far one way trying to avoid male domination that we go to the other extreme and strip men of their responsibility.
Men are supposed to “love, provide, protect and lead” their female partners and to make it possible for them to, in turn, “voluntarily submit and respect” their male partners. This assumes that submission and respect will be based on love and not on fear and oppression. Fearful or oppressive submission is not love. Submission should not in any way suggest that one person in the relationship is more important than the other. It’s only to a “leader” that a woman submits to, not a tyrant or her superior. Leadership doesn’t give a man the right to rob his partner of being a unique individual. He doesn’t get to disregard or mock her opinions and feelings and he should never misuse leadership to get his own way.
When it comes to submission, men and women have different needs for love and respect: men need to feel respected by their female partners, and women need to feel loved by their male partners”.
Many of the things that hypergamous women want, can only be found with alpha males. These are the players. They are not dependable. They are on the extreme wavelength of polygamy, spreading their seeds. Women normally find it hard to tie them down. They don’t put food on the table, they don’t provide, they don’t protect. The tragedy is that these are the men that most hypergamous women want. That’s what their hearts desire. This is where they get burnt.
To be crude and downright straight, the pond where an alpha male fishes is full of different types of fish that are easy pickings for him. Most of the fish in such a pond believe that they are special and they will be the chosen ones. The reality is that they are plucked out, played with, and returned back to the pond, only to be replaced by other fish. This is the tragedy about hypergamy and the pursuit of alpha males.
As they grow older, some women realise that it’s too crowded in the alpha male’s pond and choose to look for different ponds to swim in. So, you might find some of them that “settle” down but not with their espoused alpha males or childhood sweetheart. Women that “settle” do not necessarily get into relationships that they are entirely happy about. They settle because they realise that their desire for an alpha male is not likely to happen. They settle with the good men who want to settle down, want a family, are dependable and are providers.
There are only a few situations where a woman will land an alpha male who’s also dependable and all the good things that a woman wants. The men that hypergamous women “settle” with are not necessarily what they originally wanted. In some instances, these are men that are/were not popular, were nerds or hard workers at school and university, and as a result they landed reliable high paying jobs. Such men are good providers and are well mannered, but because of their upbringing they don’t exude the masculinity that make the women go “hmmmmm”. You know they don’t do that for them. But they are good husband material.
Unfortunately, because hypergamy does not rest, some women sometimes cheat on them. Women are very practical. They go with the practical options. In some homes, however, you have women in long-term relationships or married with good husbands and good fathers, but deep down are still fantasising about the alpha males they were not able to get.
Some of such married hypergamous women go on girl’s weekend trips and get up to no good. But they don’t mess up their family life. They have a lot to lose. They have to protect that. The stupid ones go and cheat. Hypergamy makes women very complicated human beings especially to the uninitiated, because they obviously are not able to observe the behaviours and give meaning to them.
Let’s debunk another myth. Know this: being a good provider is not enough. You should not be delusional and think that the fact you work hard and you have money that is going to keep a woman interested in you. Some women will be honest and admit, “Yes “my partner/husband is a good provider, but he doesn’t excite me.” This is linked to that unsatisfied yearning for an alpha male, I wrote about earlier.
Men & Women Development
“Relationship bullies often also try to limit a partner’s freedom, dismiss their ideas or thoughts as not making sense, devoid of intelligence, silly or invalid. Crying is usually also another form of a controlling behaviour when it’s used to intentionally manipulate the outcome a bullying partner wants in a relationship. It is one of the self- sabotaging behaviours that relationship bullies resort to when they are desperate.
Controlling and manipulation also involves blaming the other party for everything (even though it might not be their fault). Methods like being sarcastic, embarrassing to belittle, or making the other party feel inferior are some of the things that some relationship bullies resort to. They use emotional bullying by having unreasonable expectations, using verbal attacks, and making their partners feel bad.
Manipulation by relationship bullies sometimes worsens to overlooking or rejecting their partners (refusing affection or putting down their suggestions and ideas), blackmailing (emotional blackmailing) them to get what they want including threats of divorce, moving out or even suicide. Withholding financial support where it is needed and the bully is capable of providing same but chooses not to do so, is also another form of a controlling behaviour that relationship bullies use to manipulate their victims”.
“While people have a God-given right to make choices, there are factors and circumstances that invariably influence the choices they make and often these choices are made to suit their circumstances at a given time.
When you are making a choice, it means you are considering your options (things you can do) and making a decision. Now that you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. Your decision may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But, the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time will tell. Do or do not regret your decision, whatever the outcome. Learn from it and remember that you always have a chance to make better choices and decisions in the future”.
“It seems that lifestyle choices have an influence on whether we pursue happiness and contentment. To be both happy and content one needs to be careful of lifestyle or life choices. Endeavours, dreams and wishes are perfect, but the realities of life may be different. Most people do not realise their dreams, while a few achieve things beyond their dreams and expectations.
Happiness is a choice, so I think it is best if one adopts it as an attitude. If you do that, it will be easier to be content. Both happiness and contentment co-exist and change daily as we live, learn, work, achieve or fail either in relationships, work or business. Contentment to me does not mean relaxing, but with it one gains the confidence to achieve more. I see life as a never-ending cycle of being influenced by both one’s personal choice and lifestyle. Lifestyle is a collection of one’s dreams (personal and professional), goals, action plans and approach.
You sometimes see people in large mansions driving our unrealistic dream cars (super cars) and think they are the happiest of people. Then you hear that they have committed suicide or are constantly attending rehabilitation centres for substance abuse or they are in therapy. You hear of people who financially have it all – I mean super rich – but they are not happy or content with their lives. This does point to the fact that external material things do not lead to lasting happiness and contentment”.
“I believe an intelligent person becomes such because of his or her genetic disposition, but they cannot necessarily be a wise person because of the reasons mentioned above. A wise person can, however, be both knowledgeable and intelligent. This is why a wise person can provide meaningful input and guidance to people who seek such.
Intelligence is not a measure of how much we know. It is a measure of how much we understand. Knowledgeable people know things. Intelligent people know how to interpret, analyse and apply things.
Intelligence (which can be equated with the formal definition of “smarts”) is largely a result of genetics – if you have intelligent parents, then you are probably likely to be intelligent and vice versa, although environmental factors can still play a large part. No matter how it arises, it still cannot be called the same thing as knowledgeability. You can be intelligent and still not know a single random fact and you can be knowledgeable and still be the most unintelligent person. In short, ‘’Jeopardy’’ contestants are knowledgeable and astrophysicists are intelligent.
We should appreciate that all human beings and even animals have intelligence. It is how much of it one has that determines how it will contribute to his or her acquisition of knowledge. It remains dormant until utilised. A highly intelligent person may prove to be very unwise because he or she lacked access to knowledge. If Albert Einstein was kept in solitary confinement from birth, the world would be a different place today. Einstein did not only acquire knowledge, but he produced new knowledge which has shaped the world we know today.
Wisdom is a virtue that is not innate and can only be acquired through experience. Anyone who is interested in trying new things and reflecting on that process has the ability to gain wisdom. By learning as much as you can, analysing your experiences and putting your knowledge to the test, you can become a wiser person.
Wisdom is one’s knowledge of what is true and real, a person’s good judgment and the ability to learn from our experiences and mistakes. Some say that the truly wise learn from the mistakes of others and are therefore able to avoid making many mistakes themselves! When you have wisdom, you are able to both comprehend information and know what to do with the knowledge that has been attained.
The wise can judge what is true or right. When we use wisdom, we are using our rich history of experience to help us make a decision. Without these experiences to draw on, we cannot have wisdom”.